The 'Just Married, Please Excuse' Contest

This is an old post (not a very old one) which I want to pass as an entry for this contest. I had named this post “Speechlessness” and reproduce it here with a few edits.

The contest requires one funny incident from the just-married phase, while my post is a series of conversations, if not events. My rationale behind that is, (i) inspite of being married for almost six solid years, I can still pass “married” with a “Just” prefix and (ii) funny conversations with the other half are events enough in my life. (Do I sound desperate for an autographed book! Yes. Who cares?)

Here we go!

The characters in the conversations are married to each other (No prizes for guessing). P, the better-half (and obviously, the woman) and J, the other half (the man).

P: Do I look slim in this dress?

J: Can I be honest?

P: No.

J: You look like an hour-glass.

P: Ok. Honesty is the best policy.

J: Plump.

P:

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P returns from some work.

P: Wassup?

J: Now that you are here, you know what is up. (winks)

P:

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P: Hey you remember that first time we met?

J: Of course. How can I forget that? (sarcasm to be ignored)

P: Tell me what was I wearing?

J: Nailpolish.

P: What was I WEARING?

J: Earrings.

P: I am not Kate Winslet.

J: Oh that reminds me. I had better things to check about you. Sorry didn’t notice what you were wearing.

P:

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P (singing loudly): “subhah hone na de ..shaam hone na de…ek dusre ko hum sone na de”…what do you think of the song? I love it.

J: It reminds me of our suhag-raat.

P:

P:

J: Lights off. Sounds off. Camera off. Action! (evil grin follows)

P:

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P (after watching Kahaani): I wish I was Vidya Balan.

J: You don’t need to. I find you better.

P:

P:

P: You sure? Or you drunk?

J: Sure. I mean she is way more beautiful and all. But it’s like, Beer works better for me on a June-afternoon, than a Blue Label. Like that.

P: Whatever that means.

J: It means facts. Don’t mistake it as a compliment.

P:

P:

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P trying a dark eye make-up, a.k.a smoky look.

P: How do I look?

J: You look like Johny Depp.

P: Whaaaat??

J: Johny Depp. In “Pirates of the Caribbean”. (concentrates on the newspaper).

P:

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P seen here, wearing a dress which has all the colours of a rainbow and teased by random horny men on the street.

Men: Holi kaab hein? Kaab hein holi? (followed by wicked smirks)

P: J, they are eve-teasing and Eve is your wife. Stop them.

J (matter-of-factly): Tell them na, Holi is in March if they are asking you so many times. (and looks away)

P:

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P: It’s so late. I don’t think we’ll get a Taxi.

J: Wait. I’ll hide somewhere. You stand alone on the street. Remember “akeli ladki khuli hui tijori ki tarah hote hein”. Taxis are bound to stop. Then I’ll jump in.

P: This is how you use your wife???

J:  Yes. Now do what I tell you.

P:

P:

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P complaining.

P: Someone told me my nose resembles that of a PUG!.

J: Pug? Vodafone kutta, you mean?

P: Don’t make it worse. Just Pug.

J:  Who said? Tell him or her, I like honesty.

P:

P:

J: By the way, that’s your cutest feature. And the comparison makes it cuter.

P: :)

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Similar conversation.

P: Your Mama (uncle) says my eyes are like a cow’s. Meanness is hereditary.

J: But it’s a compliment. Cows have beautiful eyes.

P: Never thought about it. Oh yes.

J: Told you. Better, do something about your double-chin before people start comparing it with that of a cow. (Gabbar Singh laugh follows).

P:

P:

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P: Am I your Personal Secretary? Have you kept me ONLY to do all your work?

J: Yes. What else?

P:

J: You can also sleep with me. Like Personal Secretaries. (winks away to glory)

P:

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They flip through their wedding album.

J: With so many of your relatives surrounding me, reminds me of something.

P: What?

J: Gulliver’s Travels.

P: 

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In the midst of a serious discussion. P fuming.

J: You remember what was Oliver Twist’s best friend’s name?

P: How is that relevant? Anyways, whaat??

J: Master Bates.

P:

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P: If you ever had to have an extramarital affair, whom would you want it with?

J: Ladies first.

P: Irfaan Khan, may be?

J: Wah wah.

P: You?

J: You.

P: :)  

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