I realise...

·                           That, with our accounts with private banks, most of us do not have to stand in long queues for upgrading our passbooks, like our parents did.

·                           That I love those song sequences from 60s where mating flowers and kissing lovebirds denoted liplocks between the ‘hero’ and the ‘heroine’.

·                           “Maine tumse mohabbat ki hain, gulami nahi ki hain” is an eternal truth which I forgot to believe.

·                           No matter how hard I have tried, my e-mail and FB passwords, ATM and T-pins would perpetually consist a part of his name/ birthday/ our anniversaries (with different permutations and combinations, of course). Nothing romantic, just stupid.

·                           That certain e-mails or phone calls act as the first swirl of the fan after a long power cut on a 45 degree summer afternoon. Lifesaving, yes, that’s the word.

·                           That most people do not trust remote control car-keys. Even after locking the car and that pee-pee sound, they would invariably check at least 2 out of the 4 doors of their cars. Same level of trust for hotel rooms with card-keys.

·                           Men are dumber and nicer than women. Most of the times.

·                           That the taste of an ice cream is directly proportional to plunging mercury levels.

·                           Bad songs stay in my mind longer than good songs. Same for human beings.

·                           Looks deceive. (Mine, too).

·                           Ram was impotent. (And fortunately, there wasn’t any scope for DNA tests during those days).

·                           Digging one’s nose is mood lifting. So, is farting, burping etc.

·                           That, of all the things I miss, innocence tops the list. Playing Snakes on a Nokia phone is a close second.

·                           The bathroom commode is awfully cold during winters and the bums freeze when you sit upon it.

·                           I love the man a little more each time he doesn't force me to brush my teeth after eating chocolates at bedtime.

·                           Falling out of love is the most difficult thing that happened to mankind.

·                           That tears have a colour too. The colour of our skin. While flowing down, they rip off a part of your skin. Why do you think the skin burns so much when you cry? Here is the reason.

·                           Pigs get married to female pigs. Matching a 30 minutes-orgasm is not an easy task for everyone.

·                           Truths are difficult to digest. Antacids don’t work. You throw up ultimately. And, the puke stinks. If someone cleans it, be his slave. (Cleaning truth-pukes ain’t easy). However, if he leaves you all alone, to clean the shit yourself, refer to the “Two friends and a bear” story from your childhood.

·                           Mutual funs are subject to market risks. Please read the offer document carefully before investing.

·                           That the best part about chanachur, plum cakes and “taal-shaash shondesh” is the raisins. The first thing I do is digging out the raisins out of them.

·                           Of late, Facebook, instead of saying “what’s on your mind” all the time, asks “How are you feeling?”, “What’s happening, Parama?” or “How’s it going?” in the status message box. It sounds so much better.  (“What’s on your mind” is a difficult question. What if I don’t have one? What if I had one, but lost it in Kumbh mela?)

·                           Eating Biryani acts as the greatest anti-depressant, followed by chewing the end of a pencil.

·                           “Toke aalor alpin dite pari” in the ‘Jawl phoring’ song (Hemlock Society) would have been “toke aador, alpin dite pari”, had I written the words. Isn't love all about both? “Aador” and “Alpin”? : (

·                           “The God has retired” status messages (after Sachin’s VRS from one day) are very similar to what’s on my mind for a few days. I have AT LAST pulled my socks up and given God his long-due retirement. It was not easy, for the bond was too strong. But, then, like medicines, faith also has an expiry date.

·                           The biggest condition for loving someone is, it should be without any condition. If your love is: “I love Justin Beiber. You don’t? Good bye then. I can’t love you” or “I hate idlis. You have to hate them in order to win my love”…..then, it is anything but love.  And for that, I have found a solution. Dude, let’s hit the Space Bar. While you can get something to drink, I shall fetch for myself some S P A C E.

·                           For the umpteenth time that, “hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” Ok, the sentence would have sounded equally great and true, had "love" replaced "hope".

Bollywood Mujik : My favourite 12.

Looking back at a not-so-good, neither-too-bad year, I sat down listing the music that had hit me hard…at the right and the wrong places.

Here are 12 most favourite tracks from Bollywood that released this year (not exactly in the order of preference). Favourite in terms of music, lyrics, picturisation, the maximum number of hits on You Tube, mobile phone, “songs” folder on the D: drive or the general enthusiasm expressed when they were being played on radios or parar club.

Generally these lists are either of 10s or 20s. However ‘12’ is strategically chosen for an obvious reason. Reason: Cheap publicity stunts. :/

   1.       Piya tu kahe rootha re (Kahaani): 

I am unusually attracted to songs which portray the feelings of a woman, but are sung in a male voice. Having said this, I instantly remember two songs where I wasn’t sufficiently moved by the music or the lyrics, but the above factor had an impact very deep. (i) “Mera jeevan kora kagaz” from Kora Kagaz (Jaya Bachchan –Kishore Kumar) and (ii) “Muchhe jawa dinguli amay je pichhu daake” from Lukochuri (Anita Guha - Hemanta Mukhopadhyay).

And, then there was “Aaoge jab tum o sajna”… (Kareena Kapoor - Ustad Rashid Khan).

Such is this song. (Vidya Balan’s emotions depicted through this song sung by Javed Bashir).

Vishal Dadlani and Shekhar Ravjiani, I love you both. The music you produced made me high, low, happy and sad. So did Bashir’s voice.

The bottom line: the guitar chords hit me hard at the not-so-right chords of my heart.

The favourite lines: “Chali kos kos mein akeli; mosey boojhi jaaye na paheli….birhaah bani mori saheli…..”

2.      Chinta ta chita chita (Rowdy Rathore):

What kind of music was that?? And what kind of lyrics? What was Akshay Kumar wearing?? (Isn’t Salman the only person in Bollywood who’s allowed to wear such obnoxious pink/orange/green trousers?)

I am devoid of any answers to the questions above. But, I am full of love for this song.

My 5 year old niece: “Mimi, my teacher said me to colour these.”

Me: Said me? What kind of English is that?

She (getting where she went wrong, within a flip of a second): “Wrong English. Like, ‘Don’t angry me.’”

Me (to myself): Isn’t she only faaive?!

Me (to her): Don’t say that again and don’t angry me.

Like her Mimi, the little girl is obsessed about Rowdy Rathore and the ‘chinta ta chita chita’ hand movements. And like her Mimi, she sings the flute part, ‘pyan pyan pya’ parts and all the no-lyrics parts in the song with rapt attention.

The favourite lines: Chinta ta chita chita chinta ta ta (for being the most meaningful).

PPS: There’s a Bengali version of the same song from “Bikram Singha – Lion is back”. Lend an ear.

3.      Pani da rang (Vicky Donor):

Me: JD, you know why I love this song?

JD: Hmm?

Me: The actor himself sings the song. This gives a strange kick, na?

JD: Kono din to Kishore Kumar sombondhye eshob bolte shunini! (Never heard these praises for Kishore Kumar from you).

Me: …….

JD: Accept the fact that it’s his LOOKS. Looks, body and then voice….

Me: (‘I-give-up’ smile)…

JD:  ‘Sung by the actor himself!’ Mithyebaadi Draupadi! :/

********************

Yes, I mean, the boy is so dishy that you can’t blame me. Undoubtedly, in the entire year, Ayushman is the only man I fell for, who’s blessed with such amazing looks. And an amazing voice. (In addition, the Yummyness he was paired with! Sigh.)

The favourite lines: “Baba hein? Pishi ghhar pe hein? Nahi? To hum kya yahan bethhke LUDO khelenge?”

Shottyobadi Yudhisthir, I am in a tsunami of good old memories. ;)

4.      Tumhi ho bandhu (Cocktail):

Sung by Neeraj Sreedhar and Kavita Sethh, this song reminds me of drinking raw Vodka (Dev D style) on the streets and beaches of Goa, falling in love with all the moments around, falling in love with every possible sight and above all, falling in love with one’s own self over and over again.

I also told JD that this should have been our wedding song. Such honest lines, man! 

Additionally, “Mein hoon hi nahi iss duniya ki” is killer. So is “Tu hain jaisa, mujhko waisa dikhna….”.

Tu hain jaisa, mujhko waisa dikhna…. (mentally humming it).

I feel like dancing again, making those “thumb meets index” hand movements. And drink raw Vodka.

The favourite lines: Haven’t I said them already?

5.      Mein Pareshan (Isaqzaade):

Amit Trivedi! What else can you expect of him?

And Shalmali Kholgade! I want to lift her voice and sing like her. The “khaare bhi meethe hai” tone mesmerises me…for long.

The song is also wonderfully worded by Kausar Munir (I don’t know who he is. I copied the name from You Tube). The song is awfully romantic. I loved the sound of bullets in between the music. That fits my idea of romance. Love in the time of chaos. Love in the times when everything else is wrong, except LOVE itself.

The favourite lines: Zara zara phoolon pe jhadne laga dil mera,
zara zara kaanton se lagne laga dil mera. 

6.      Go Govinda (Oh my God!)

I used to dislike Sonakshi Sinha.

And then this song happened.

I have watched the movie thrice in the theatres and watched this song three hundred thirty three times on You Tube.

The Aman Trikha-Shreya Ghoshal duo is fantastic so is Prabhudeva’s chewing gum body-movements. But, the girl takes the cake. What a happy soul she looked! Yellow shoes, yellow nailpaint, yellow belt and the aika-dajeba nose pin. Not to miss her body language and her almost-perfect steps to match the Indian Michael Jackson. I accept, had I been a man, this girl would have given me wet dreams.

**************************************

On our umpteenth time of watching the video, a particular gentleman’s observation: “If I had to run away with a girl, she would be the one” (expecting me to start my hate speech for her).

Me:  Take me along.

O gawd! I actually have a same-sex crush on her! : (

The favourite lines: I am in a messed up state. Can’t remember.

7.      Rabta (Agent Vinod):

      Amitabh Bhattacharya! The man! He will put your soul into a washing machine and turn on the quick-spin mode.

     

      I found a number of versions of this song on You Tube and similar sites.  What I love THE most, is the Hamsika Iyer-Arijit Singh version. The lyrics are clichéd, common and mushy. There is nothing extraordinary in “humko hai rehna jannatein bhulaake teri baahon mein panaah leke”. (Where else does one expect to find solace?)

     

      Yet. Yet, there is something extraordinary about the song as a whole.

    It too has sounds of bullets, chaos and collision. And in the midst of all that is not-so-beautiful, emerges this song. I got goose bumps for the first few times.

      

      ******************************

     While standing on the footboard of a very crowded bus (with stinking armpits all around) and holding you to keep you from falling, has anyone ever whispered, “You can make heaven out of a crowded bus. How can I not love you?”? If yes, you’ll agree: The most clichéd feelings suddenly sound extraordinary by their manner of execution.

      **************************

     The picturisation reminds me of Suman Chattopadhyay’s lines “Rastar kawle rickshawalar snan, tomar jonno likhchi premer gaan…..”

   
   Such is this song.
     
  The favourite lines: “Ruthi hui khwaaishon se thodi si sulah leke, aaya tu khamoshiyon mein baton ki jirah leke, khoya tha samandaron mein tanah safina mera, sahilon pe aaya hein tu jaane kis tarah leke..”

8.      Phir le aaya dil (Barfi):

Pritam waved a magic wand and out came the music of Barfi. I want to preserve this one as the best music of 2012 (as an album). Hats and caps off, Pritam. This is unarguably your best till date.

About this song, I love the Rekha Bharadwaj version which was not used in the movie. The Arijit Singh version that was used was truly beautiful and had the same “picturised on a woman, sung by a man” effect. Yet, once you have heard Rekha Bharadwaj sing phir le aya dil, your mind would stop right there.

This song is strong. The sense of incompleteness in the song throws thousand daggers at you making your heart bleed.

The feeling of letting someone go at a moment when that’s the LAST thing you want, is truly painful. Especially, when you have a long “baki hein” list containing daabi si aans, daabi si aanch, adhuri si baat, adhuri si yaad, ruki si raah, ruki si chaah and so on…. With such a cruel “baki hein” list, this song manages to evoke the same amount of tears “Mera kuchh saman” did.

The favourite lines: Karte hain hum aaj qabool kya keeje, ho gayi thi jo humse bhool kya keeje, dil keh raha usey mayassar kar bhi aao, wo jo dabi si aas baaki hai, wo jo dabi si aanch baaki hain…

O god, just humming of the song makes me sad. :(

And I am crying for unknown reasons.

This means it’s a sad song and a bad song.

Shooooo! Shoo song! I don’t want to hear it again.

God knows why I included it in my precious list.

Ok final. I hate this song. And, I shall never hear it again.

9.      Kala re (Gangs of Wasseypur II):

A friend sent me this song. I heard the song several times. Several. And was looking for adjectives to describe it and failed each time, until I remembered an old conversation.

“If I have to choose one adjective for you, you know what it would be?”
Me: Awesome?

“Nah, that’s easy to come.”

Me: O. Difficult?

“Better, but still achievable.”

Me: Then?

“Scary and that’s scarce.”

**************************

Right, this song is scary.

And, that’s scarce.

The favourite lines: None.

10.  Dreamum Wakeupum (Aaiyaa):

“Mujhhe gore log nahi, kale log pasand hein…”

:D :D :D

Again, Amit Trivedi - Amitabh Bhattacharya combination. It’s smart. It’s sexy and it’s sinful.

I love the song. I think Rani Mukherjee was anyways PERFECT, but Sowmya Rao was the icing on the freshly baked cake.

The favourite lines: Heart beatnum dhol peetnum,  Love lust double kasht bada dheetnum.

Body heatnum hot seatnum, Calling Fire Brigade bhi defeatnum.

NO. It’s like choosing between your own children on the basis of who you love the most.

So, here’s the entire song.

Dreamum wakeupum critical conditionum,
Earthum wakeupum hilo dool sab shakeupum,
Face to faceum dharti putram,
Top to baeum kama sutram,
Thighsum thunderum downum underum,
Sizeum matterum thinkum wonderum,
Jumpingum ……pumpingum….
Throbbingum…thumpingum..
Wane runde mune naale….

Heart beatnum dhol peetnum,

Love lust double kasht bada dheetnum,

Body heatnum hot seatnum

Calling Fire brigade bhi defeatnum,

Same to sameum dil me utaram,

Top to baeum kama sutram,

Thighsum thunderum downum underum,

Sizeum matterum thinkum wonderum,

Jumpingum ……pumpingum….

Streelingum …..punglingam..

Wane runde mune naale….

11.      Jeeya jaye na (Talaash):

This is my favourite song of the year. The song is so beautiful, that I wish I could keep her in my pocket, take her out whenever and talked to her.

Javed Akhtar. Ram Sampath. Sona Mahapatra. Ravindra Upadhyay. My salute!

The favourite lines: Mann ab tak jo bujh naa paya, Tum woh peheli ho…Koi na jaane kya woh rahasya hein…Jiski saheli ho..

12.      Tera pyar hookah bar (Khiladi 786):

At times, when I feel no one understands me, I think of him.

No one understands him either!

Himesh Reshamiya, you are my anti-depressant of the year.

You’ve made me your slave.

*************************************

The man is like Bappi Lahiri. He never ceases to amaze. Be his looks, his acting, his impeccable singing style or his music.

He lends his voice to this song along with Vineet Singh and Aman Trikha and the result is a second Kolaveri D, in terms of madness.
Trivia: The lyrics have being penned down by Himesh himself.

There are certain songs which makes me wonder: “If I was a man, I would have sung this one for a girl”.

This is such a song. It leaves me intoxicated creating a Vitamin G effect all over the head.

The favourite lines: Teri ankhiyon ka waar jaise sher ka shikar, tera husn dhuyedaar jaise jaltaa cigar.. 

Phew! it's a long post! (And I still wished '12' was not the number).

Happiness comes in little brown boxes…

Yes, it was one of those days. One of those days when your mind acts mindless and your shoulder gives you a cold shoulder.

One of those, when the omelette you fried turns into a charcoal pancake. And you silently eat it.

One of those days when you feel unusually cold. Not from the weather, but from the ‘within’.

And, one of those days when you thought, ‘I’s are meant to be within YOUs, even when the you is jumbled in a mess and you notice, it is just the keyboard of your laptop…..

********************************************************

I came home a little late yesterday and found that a small brown paper package has arrived. Very small. I knew what was inside. I had ordered two bandanas by Jaalpari from itokri.com. They call themselves interesting, fun, soulful. How honest! Also, they provide you with 100  + ways in which a bandana can be used! (http://www.pacificmediaassociates.com/cowboy-tips/101-or-so-other-uses-for-a-bandana/) Read it, please. :)

And, they are pretty. Head gears made with left-overs from tailoring. I fell in love with them just at the sight. They are too good to be used as head gears, but I will use them anyways.

(You know, I dread falling in love with things instantaneously. There are chances that I will get bored. When I do, I shall use them not as bandanas, but on my center table or make cushion covers out of them or just frame them. Recycled love never betrays you!)

I unwrapped the brown paper and found a smaller box. A thank you note and a pair of handmade earrings! It’s a gift for the first time purchase, for making me a part of their family…

I pulled them close, smelled them and my eyes turned red again.

This time, out of happiness.... :) 

বাজে বকা, ভালো বকা :)

“Pehno to pehchano, mano ya na mano..Breeze leggings…Dil tera deewana hoga….”

স্কুলে পড়ার সময় যে কোনো রচনা লেখার শুরুতে কোনো কোটেশন, গান বা কবিতার লাইন লিখলে বেশি নম্বর পাওয়া যেত। এই লাইনগুলো সেরকম। 

অভিষেক দা, এই পোস্টটার রাবণ-ভাগ ক্রেডিট তোমার। আমি শুধু আমাদের কথোপকথনটার একটা সংকলন করলাম জনস্বার্থে। 

১ .       Cosco, Cosco, Cosco….শরীরে যেন পালকের স্পর্শ।

২ .    মাথার ঘন চুল যখন, মরুভূমি হয়ে যায় ....Oasis নিয়ে আসে মরুদ্যান, মেঘের ছায়ায় ছায়ায়      ... Oasis খুশকি তাড়ায় ...... Oasis উকুন মারে ...... Oasis মাথাকে ঠান্ডা রাখে। 

Oasis double-action hair-vitaliser and cream.

Oasis.

(আমি আগে ভাবতাম Oasis Hair-fertiliser. কিন্তু আমি কানে খাটো আছি সামান্য হলেও,  যেমন আমি শুনতাম, “Aap jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aayein, to BAAP baan jaye”…তাই, অভিষেক দার কথা মতো Vitaliserই  মেনে নিলাম। )

 ৩ .   Arnica plus Trioffer. Triple Action Hair Vitaliser. কেনার আগে “……………”র ছবি দেখে নেবেন। বলেই একজন ট্যারা ডাক্তারবাবুর ছবি দেখাতো। আর, আমরা হেসে লুটিয়ে পড়তাম।

 ৪.    মোরা সেই দোকানে চলি, যার নাম ট্রেডার্স অ্যাসেম্বলি। গড়িয়াহাটার মোড়ের শোভা  ট্রেডার্স অ্যাসেম্বলি। 

শাড়ির বাহার দেখতে হলে, হাল ফ্যাশনে চলতে হলে, একটি নাম সবার কাছে বলি ......সেই  নামটি হলো  ট্রেডার্স অ্যাসেম্বলি।

গড়িয়াহাটার মোড়ের শোভা  ট্রেডার্স অ্যাসেম্বলি।  

(আমি "হাল ফ্যাশনে"-কে শুনতাম "হালকা চালে"। কি যে অদ্ভূত! পুরো "আমি দূর হতে তোমারেই দেখেছি, আর মুখ ধুয়ে চোখে চেয়ে থেকেছি"-র মতো।) :D 

 ৫ .    “কি হলো?

-   খুকু কাঁদছিল। 

“ওকে বলো Woodwords দিতে। তুমি যখন ছোট ছিলে তোমাকেও    খাইয়েছি। 

(এবার ওই একই সংলাপ বারবার। দিদা, মা, মেয়ে সব্বার এক কথা ..."তুমি যখন ছোট   ছিলে ...."

৬ .    Salical Salical Salical (..............কিছুক্ষণ গ্যাপ) মলম। 

দাদ, হাজা, চুলকানিতে দেয় আরাম। স্যালিকল মলম।

৭ .     শৈশবে প্রথম দেখা, কৈশোরে বন্ধু হলাম, যৌবনে প্রথম পরশ পেলাম .....

সে যে দিলীপ, আমার দিলীপ  .........

 ৮ .    ছোট্ট বাপি চনমনে, মেজ বাপি Rap, বড় বাপি রাশভারী, জেনারেশান গ্যাপ। 

বাপি গেঞ্জি ও জাঙ্গিয়া।

                     

৯ .     DD, DD, DD….চোখ বন্ধ করে ভরসা করা যায়। (আমাদের মুখ্যমন্ত্রী ক্ষমতায় আসার পর কতজন ফেসবুকে এটা লিখেছিল! এখন মনে হয় একমাত্র চোখ বন্ধ করে রাখলেই, ওনাকে ভরসা করা যায়।)

১০ .   অম্বল গ্যাস, বুকজ্বালা? 

           ব্যবহার করুন অম্লোজিন চূর্ণ। চশমা-মার্কা  অম্লোজিন চূর্ণ।

  কেনার আগে চশমা-মার্কা দেখে নিতে ভুলবেন না।

১১ . দুলাল চন্দ্র ভড়ের তালমিছরি। কেনার আগে "R" চিহ্ন দেখে নেবেন।

১২ . শনিবারেরররর বারবেলাআআআআ  

           চ্যা .......( (
      (দরজা খোলার শব্দ)

হাতুড়ি মার্কা ফিনাইল এটার স্পন্সর করতো। (আমার ভিষণ ঝাপসা মনে পড়ে এই বিজ্ঞাপনটা।)

১৩ .  "কি গো নাতনি, আমায় বিয়ে করবে নাকি?"

- ইশ, তুমি বুড়ো।

"অনেক গয়না দেবো।"

- ইশ, তোমার দাঁত পড়ে গেছে!

"ভারত বিস্কুট দেব।"

- আমি রাজি, আমি রাজি। দাও ভারত বিস্কুট দাও!

(এটাও আমার ভালো মনে নেই। সত্যি না বানানো জানিনা। তবে রবি ঠাকুর তো বলে গেলেন, "মানুষের ওপর বিশ্বাস হারানো পাপ" ...অগত্যা…)

১৪ . "এমা ! সব খেয়ে ফেললি হ্যাংলা!"

      - বাপি চানাচুর আমাদের সবার প্রিয়। 

১৫ .  নবাব কিনলে আরাম ফ্রী ...  

 -        শুনছি বলছে। দিচ্ছে কি?

-        এবার আরাম পাব ফ্রী ! 

-          আমিও ফ্রী .....

-          তুমিও ফ্রী ?

১৬ . এলো শীতের রুক্ষ শুষ্ক দিন ...প্রিয় ত্বকের যত্ন নিতে চাই চেসমি গ্লিসেরিন।  (যদ্দুর মনে পড়ে এই একই মডেল ফেয়ার এন্ড লভলির বিজ্ঞাপনটাও করত .."Fair and lovely istamal to mein kar rahi hoon. Par asaar? Inpe ho raha hein.")  

                                  

১৭ . "ঘুমোও আমার সোনা, আর কেঁদোনা, আর দুষ্টুমি করো না ...."

দ্বিতীয় শিশুর কথা এখন থাক। কোহিনুরের ওপর ভরসা রাখা যাক।

আর না, মা পড়লেই বলবে "কতটুকু চেনো তুমি এই অভিষেককে? কোহিনুরের Ad অবধি ওর সঙ্গে এগিয়ে গেলে!!"

পুনশ্চ: একটা বিজ্ঞাপন খুব জনপ্রিয় ছিল সেই সময়। বাংলা নয় যদিও। "Bol sakhi bol tera raaz kya hein? Kya hein tera raaz? Tu bata de mujhko aaj.... Mala D hein mera raaz."

নাহ, মা সত্যই রেগে যাবে এবার।